Adoption is hard! Before you even get the child you have to go through tons of hoops that "normal" people having a biological baby never have to do. We have to take hours of parenting classes and trauma training. We have to get background checks, fingerprinted, have our medical files analyzed. We have to be deemed mentally and physically healthy by a doctor. There's the piles of paperwork we have to get together. We literally had to mail our most important documents in life...birth certificates, wedding certificate and even our actual passports! Then there is the money aspect, the grants, the fundraisers, the tears shed when looking at your bank account... Let's face it, the finances alone are enough to give you a heart attack! Cause come on, who has thirty to forty thousand dollars just laying around. Finally, there's the endless waiting. We follow timelines on when things are supposed to happen and when your case is a week later than others you start to panic. In the adoption process you aren't guaranteed anything and sadly the China adoption community just learned this recently. About a month ago, China implemented immediate changes in their adoption regulations that ruled out many families from ever adopting again. We were lucky to be grandfathered in as we didn't currently meet some of these new rules but since we had already been preapproved for our child we are safe, at least we hope. So while we have already fallen in love with a child, it's hard to let ourselves get too attached until we are on that plane heading over there to get him! Even then there are still risks. A few months ago, the country of Ethiopia closed all adoptions. Families that were over there with their child in hand had to give them back. Yes you read that right, after months or even years of working to adopt the child, families had to leave that country empty handed with their hearts shattered into pieces.
So why am I writing all this? When you ask us if we are excited about our adoption, the answer is most definitely yes. But it is hard to physically show excitement when we are still waiting and keeping our fingers crossed that China says yes to us. It's hard to swoon over a child that could be taken away from us before we've even had the chance to hold him. Now, the chances of this happening are small, but it's not impossible. But then even when we do get our child and come home things aren't done yet. We have to have post adoption visits with our social worker for the next two years and even after that is done we have to submit reports to China for an additional three years. The paper work continues after coming home. We have to get social security cards, apply for birth certificates and even go through the legal process of readopting in some cases. Then on top of all that you have a new child that you are trying to figure out and they are doing the same to you. Now Asher has show us so many joys in our new life but where there is joy, there has also been a lot of frustrations. On facebook, I only post the good stuff, the cute pictures, the warm fuzzies... but that is not reality. Reality is months of sleepless nights because our child will not go to sleep without us. Reality is hoarding food and crying when the plate is empty even after a third serving. Reality is saying no (a lot) to going out with people or meeting up because Asher is having a bad day. Reality is tantrums upon tantrums about nothing. With every upset we are left wondering if this is because he's three or was something triggered from the adoption? Sadly we will never really know since we are still battling a communication barrier. Now, we were blessed with only having a few rough months in the beginning and some rough days here or there now. But life after adoption can still be a lonely road. It's hard to reach out to others who haven't dealt with adoption and the trauma that comes with it. It's hard to want to vent about Asher's latest tantrum when we are deep into our second adoption because maybe we'll look like we can't handle it.
All aspects of adoption are hard but at the end of the day so is life. I am not writing this for sympathy or to get people to stroke my ego. The point is to be real and truthful about how adoption has affected our lives. Yes, there has been some frustrations but I wouldn't change it for the world. Asher has opened our eyes as to what a family truly is and that it is not dependent upon being related to someone by blood. People don't like to look vulnerable in life and definitely don't like others to see their weaknesses. But I think that if adoption has taught me anything it is to own those weaknesses and turn them into strengths. It is learning to jump when you can't see the bottom. I want to be an example for anyone who doesn't have their stuff together to know that it's ok. It's ok to be vulnerable sometimes. It's ok to have no idea what you are going to do next. But most of all, it's ok to be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. But sometimes you just have to do it to see what amazing adventures are waiting for you!